J. Quick reminds me why I’ve started to despise MPFPS games…

The Los Angeles Kings struggled and stumbled into the Stanley Cup playoffs with a regular season record of 40 wins and 42 losses (including 15 overtime losses.) The Kings entered the playoffs as last seed and had to face the Vancouver Canucks in the first round of the playoffs. The Canucks had the best overall record of the entire league in the regular season with 51 wins and 31 losses (including 9 overtime losses.)

If the Canucks had been the elitist Battlefield or Call of Duty crowd of puerile, overly competitive, ass-wipe, braggart, Bitch Ass Gamers, they would have told the Kings to stop playing hockey and making the game easy for them.

The Los Angeles Kings (8th seed) beat the living tar out of the Canucks (1st seed,) 4 games to 1. They then proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the St. Louis Blues (2nd seed,) 4 games to 1. Not finished with kicking ass, the Kings moved on to utterly demolish the Phoenix Coyotes (3rd seed,) 4 to mother f—ing 1, and take their rightful place in the final battle for Lord Stanley’s Cup–the oldest and most prestigious trophy in sports today. The last seed LA Kings finished their playoff run with a record of 16 wins and 4 losses. Only the 2nd team in NHL history to beat the top 3 conference seeds in the playoffs.

To place this into a gaming perspective… It’s like the person with a win/loss ratio of .096 and a kill/death ratio of .67 suddenly coming in first on the leader-boards in every single game, 16 games in a row and placing second for 4 games.

The LA Kings went on to beat the New Jersey Devils and the best goalie of all time, Martin Brodeur, and win the Stanley Cup 4 games to 2.

And at the end of it all, as the players congratulated each other on a series well played, the two goalies approached, embraced and exchanged words of encouragement, support and mutual respect for what seemed like an eternity. And as they separated, the reporter’s microphone picked up a glimpse of Jonathan Quick‘s parting words to Martin Brodeur…

Don’t retire, you’re still the best goalie ever. (paraphrasing)

A tear fell from the corner of my eye when I heard that. I wasn’t rooting for the LA Kings. I’m a huge Brodeur fan. I wanted to see him get a fourth cup to crown his esteemed career with. It was at that moment I realized Conn Smythe Trophy winner Jonathan Quick and his last seed team of regular season mediocrity had earned and deserved Lord Stanley’s prize in more ways than one.

I soon shed another tear for the FPS gaming community when I realized that no mater what happens in life, most of them will never be man enough to be as good as the LA Kings, the NJ Devils or any real athlete, no matter what their stats imply.

RANDOMNADE: One of the most useful gaming sites ever.

I was looking for map overlays for Battlefield 3 and came across what is possible the most useful site for the multiplayer shooter community that has ever been created. That site is RANDOMNADE.com

You’ll have to create an account with them but that is a very small price for the features you get in return.

Randomnade allows you to create strategy maps on the map overlays of your favorite multiplayer games. The possibilities for clans and generally anyone that wants to share their favorite map strategies with the community are endless.

You can do stuff like this:

An often overlooked campers spot (plus its line of site) near the C flag on Grand Bazaar, it's up a set of stairs that seemingly lead to nowhere but there is a balcony there. The road under the flag is a good spot to place mines that almost always yields me a vehicle kill.

Cool, eh?

And THIS is why I won’t play CoD anymore.

Some 20 something mountebank named BFRESH9, bragging about his 19th world rank, gets owned by Woody and dashboards (quits to the Xbox’s dashboard so his stats don’t get recorded.)

I came across this in Black Ops a lot. A LOT. These vile miscreants would brag and brag and brag about their K/D in one exhaustively long run-on sentence and then openly admit to dashboarding in the next. Disregarding the implications of these individuals intellectual levels some of the parents out there have done really exceptional jobs at raising their offspring. CoD’s a wonderful game. The CoD community? Not so much.

The state of things…

Gina seems to be doing fine.

Much to the dismay of conservative trolls on the forums at Huff Post, OWS is picking up a lot of steam. Cain and Perry (and all of Texas for that matter) are providing comics worldwide with plenty of material.

More importantly, Eric Swett is hacking away like mad for National Novel Writing Month. Less importantly, I’m a bit uninspired of late. Just writing down ideas and no substance; nothing to report here, move along now. The encouragement a few of you gave me regarding the fiction I recently displayed sure put a smile on my face.

I have this weird thing going on with my right arm, it hurts when I raise it parallel to my body above my head and sometimes my right hand hurts when I make a fist. Old age? I’ve stopped working out for a couple of weeks because of it and it feels a little better. But the lack of physical activity has had an adverse effect on my mental state. I have to start up again next week to fight this back and I’m dreading it.

I hopped onto Black Ops last night for a few hours and had fun. Apparently all the douche bags are playing MW3 now. I remember hopping onto MW2 a few months after Black Ops came out and it was horrid; every one was noob’tubing and it didn’t help that I decided to prestige for shits and giggles. Black Ops was a little more serene last night. I wasn’t sucking in every other game, but that’s more a result of all the really good players having moved on than any sort of testament to my skill level! And, seriously, no douche bags.

I don’t think I’ll be investing in the new multi-player shooter releases. I’m sure they are fine games, I’m just not willing to invest that much time into a game to get good and I don’t need one more thing in life telling me how much I suck at something! More so, playing with general population gives me grade/high school flashbacks, memories I’d just as soon forget. I don’t feel I’ve gotten my money’s worth out of Black Ops, I bought the last multi-player map pack and stopped playing and so I’ll be playing Black Ops for a while longer. I’m also digging the folly of Bioshock 2′s multi-player and I am looking forward to the next release in the series. Which reminds me, I need to rent a copy of Bioshock 1 to play.

I downloaded Magic 2012 because I needed something more cerebral. I’ve been having fun unlocking all the cards (on easy, versus the easiest opponent.) I’m not sure how I feel about having to unlock items and abilities in games anymore. On one hand it helps you learn the game. On the other hand, it often takes far too long to do. It becomes more of an issue when you want to go on line and play because the people that have unlocked these items have an advantage over the ones that don’t. You can always pay extra to unlock these features but paying for virtual items that should be included in the price of the game is foolish. I digress, playing Magic 2012 has been helping my analytical thought process a bit. I’m ready to crank up the difficulty and I plan on trying the multi-player soon. I doubt the Magic crowd is full of douche bags. I’ll keep you updated. If you get it, I found this stellar FAQ to help you.

CAMPING: The FINAL & ONLY Definition

WHAT IS A DIRTY CAMPER?
The only time a player can legitimately be called a dirty, low-life, scum-of-the-earth camper is in a Team Death Match or Free For All game.

Finding your own corner of some room or an enclosed space on a map with your ADS trained on the only entrance to the area in these game modes takes ZERO skill and is just poor sportsmanship (even when there are two entrances.) If everyone one did this in these game modes we’d all be sitting around pulling our peckers for 15 minutes. While some of you may find that fun, I find it just gets the controller all sticky.

THAT WHICH IS NOT CAMPING
Setting up camp near an objective, a flag in Domination, the flag in Capture the Flag, the bomb site in Demolition or Search & destroy, the M-COM station in Battlefield, IS NOT CAMPING. This is defending or guarding your objective.

Patrolling an area (larger than a room, about 1/4 of the map,) going back and forth and eliminating any enemy that tries to piss in your territory IS NOT CAMPING. This is controlling or holding down an area.

MIGHT AS WELL TALK ABOUT SPAWN TRAPPING
It is only spawn trapping if an ENTIRE team is camped in your spawn grounds keeping your team pinned down. Not a very sporting strategy but a viable one in certain circles.

ONE or two guys wreaking havoc and confusion in your spawn grounds are not spawn trapping you. Seriously, how can one or two guys spawn trap an entire team? Unless your team sucks that bad it’s not possible. Those guys are keeping you busy while their teammates attack the objective. Providing a small distraction is sound military strategy.

HOW TO DEAL WITH CAMPERS
If the camper is having a good day (notice that I did not say he is “skilled,”) the little shit probably has host advantage (in Black Ops.) The only thing you can do here is warn the rest of your team where his lair is and avoid him. No sense in you adding to his slow and steady killstreak, of which you can be sure will end in dogs.

In Battlefield the situation is not as cut and dry. The maps are larger with lots of prime sniper real estate. A skilled sniper overlooking–or a lone wolf controling an area near–your objective must be dealt with. And they are probably going to have to be dealt with more than once. Avoidance is not a viable solution here.

Use a camper hunting class. In Black Ops, Ghost Pro, Hardened Pro and Hacker Pro. Equip a Silencer and use Counter Spy Plane. Ghost Pro and the silencer keep you off the mini-map. Hardened lets you shoot through walls, campers will always hide in a corner to reload. Hacker Pro keeps you invisible to Motion Sensors, a favorite tool of professional campers. Hold on to your Counter Spy Planes and throw them up only when there is a Blackbird in play. Professional dirty, scumbag campers are killwhores, they won’t run something as useful to the team as the Blackbird, they’ll be running something like Attack Chopper and Dogs. Equip C4 and use it as an extra grenade. Toss it inside a camped room and set it off right away.

In Battlefield 3 there is absolutely no such thing as camping but there are those jackass snipers who like to hang out in the boondocks and pick your team off one by one. Anything that keeps your team from accomplishing its objectives becomes part of said objectives. On some maps dealing with skilled snipers is as simple as informing your own snipers to look out for him and kill on site. If someone has spotted him and/or you are absolutely sure of where his lair is, you can have someone blanket mortar the area. On some of the larger maps it may be necessary to dispatch a squad to deal with him.

Noob tube the fuck out of him, ’nuff said. In Battlefield 3, hop in a tank or some other ordinance ladened vehicle… You get the picture.

Learn the maps. Once you know the maps better you’ll be more aware of where campers like to take up residence. Go into Combat Training in Back Ops and learn to think like a camper. Those bots in combat training always use the most traveled routes. Finding the best places to hide and pick off a bunch of easy targets running by will show you where the best spots are to camp in any game mode.

Also look for the obscure, out-of-the-way camping spots. The ones that overlook the roads least traveled. These places are haunted by the lowest type of camper there is, politicians and lawyers have more scruples than these campers. I’m talking about the chicken-shit, avoid all confrontation, my-testicles-haven’t-dropped-yet, feckless camper. These guys equip sniper rifles and ghillie suits, hide in bushes on the outskirts of the map killing the odd passerby, and patiently build up a killstreak that will end in dogs. You need to find the alternative routes to these places because he will get you every time you come back at him from the same direction, mostly because that’s the only direction he’s looking in.

Once you’ve eliminated a camper from an area, stick around. Find a place to lay low. Campers are generally idiotic creatures of habit. Rest assured, he’s coming back. That should be another easy kill for you. Alternatively you could leave a claymore in that area if you’re fairly sure of the path he’ll be taking to get back.

In Battlefield 3 there is no safe way to learn the maps. Just relax and keep playing. Enjoy yourself and don’t let the game frustrate you. You’ll be surprised at how much faster you’ll get the hang of things simply by enjoying yourself. It is just a game.

WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN ACCUSED OF CAMPING
Just because you get called a camper by some guy frustrated with his inadequate performance or some dumb-ass, clueless teenager does not mean you’re a camper. Stop rushing off to some internet forum to whine about how you got called a camper when ‘you’re not.’ It’s just going to be another useless thread on the same old tired topic of camping and, quite frankly, it makes you look guilty. If you’re questioning whether or not you’re a camper then so are the people reading your post. Brush off his comments and try not camping in the next game.

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH CAMPERS?
I would like to hear how you guys deal with campers, please leave a comment if you have the time. Not only will you be helping the gaming community, you’ll also give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

1/04/12 EDIT: Removed my Treyarch/floating apple gripe because it added nothing to the article and Quo said it made me seem bitchy. I also added some Battlefield specific information.

Black Ops: Tips for Playing New Maps

While looking for information regarding the new Black Ops map pack, Annihilation, I found the following video by Matroix. He offers some good advice on how to play a new map pack. While this video was made for Escalation the advice he gives can easily be applied to any new map.

CoD: Elite, Gunns & Xbox Ahoy

I’m pretty much with Gunns on this one. Especially if the pay service provides an advantage to a player in MW3 over someone who does not subscribe. The ability to buy equipment and make your Be A Pro toon better was the reason I never played NHL 10 online. It unbalances the game. It becomes a rich versus poor thing, or idiots with far too much disposable income versus the rest of us with common sense enough not to be surreptitiously duped into buying virtual items thing.

Xbox Ahoy is doing some video work for the CoD Elite site and he talks about this whole mess in the following video, offering a different perspective. Keep in mind that Ahoy (I say this with all due respect to one of the greatest game commentators alive) is completely biased as he is currently on Activision’s payroll. He offers the old if you don’t like it don’t pay for it clause rather than taking to the airwaves to voice your displeasure. I agree with Ahoy’s don’t buy it clause but not the part about voicing your displeasure with Activision’s decision in other ways. Even if this service is a complete travesty and insult to our intelligence there are just far too many morons out there who would still buy it, making taking to the airwaves our only recourse. It is really cool that Ahoy got this gig though, he’s very talented and sharp, I only hope I get to see the videos he’s producing for Elite.

Will the Elite service allow gay gamers a respite from the hostile environment created by ill-parented 12 year olds and homophobic adults as suggested at the end of this article on Wired? The first thought I had after reading this is ‘way to put back up the walls people have been trying so hard to tear down since the ’50′s‘. Some of the nicest people I have ever met are gay men and women (some of the biggest bitches too!) and I’m sure the hate and homophobic bigotry on Xbox Live is the main reason I haven’t had the opportunity to game with any gay men or women on line (that I know of). I wouldn’t wear my mic either in their situation. But I fail to see how this would advance their cause any. I understand why they would want a corner of the internet to call their own but in order to fight the good fight you have to be out there fighting it, not hiding in some virtual closet with like minded people. That’s right, I said VIRTUAL CLOSET.

One thing is for sure, Activision needs to tread lightly here, else they boost the sales of Battlefield 3. The persistent problems with the CoD series are waring thin on me.

Black Ops: Annihilation

Annihilation, a new map pack for Black Ops will be available on June 28th. I’ve tried scouring YouTube looking for some decent analysis on it for you to no avail. Just people reiterating the glaringly obvious. There is this video with a fairly decent analysis of the zombie map at the end. Woody and pals talk a bit about it and a lot of other things in this podcast. But I found nothing with even a semi decent analysis of the multi-player maps. So, after viewing the footage I shall offer my own brief, semi-decent analysis:

Hanger 18: “Has a lot of Easter eggs.” Will these Easter Eggs be purely cosmetic or will they impact game play? Dominate the map by controlling the hanger and the “four main flow points.” Visually the map looks cool but I feel there is nothing ground breaking here, just another map.

Silo: A big wide open map. Reminds me of Array. “You need to stay on the move.” OK, making statements like that is only going to encourage camping. Find a nice little spot with your flank covered and wait for all those poor saps to pass by “on the move.” Spend some time in combat training on this one folks, you want to make sure you know all those nooks and crannies your friendly neighborhood camper will be hiding in. I foresee snipers doing fairly well on this map and everyone wearing their ghillie suits.

Drive-In: Inspired by Nuketown, but will it just be another frag fest that is voted to be replayed again, and again, and again, and again, and again? I’m curious about how the game play on this map develops. The middle of the map is wide open compared to Nuketown.

Hazard: “Focuses almost exclusively on long distance engagement.” A snipers, one overpowered shot-one kill, haven? We shall see.

Shangi-La: Zombies in paradise? I don’t really play zombies but I did notice the same thing Woody noticed about this map. It’s not so depressing, dark and dismal.

I’m kind of up in the air about getting this map pack. I have not been playing a whole lot of Black Ops lately. I don’t feel I’ve played enough to get my money’s worth out of Escalation. I’ll see.

Black Ops: Domination Tactics on Grid

One of my favorite YouTube gaming commentators did a pretty decent video covering tactics for domination on the map Grid. A lot of times Woody blabbers nonsense while he plays, this time he stays focused. I’m not a big fan of reinventing the wheel so here’s the video.

And here’s the corresponding callout map, created by INFINITE at HupitGaming, to help you out;