MICROSOFT & XBOX ONE ANNOUNCES THE XBOX1dot2

Microsoft understands your frustration regarding our recent decisions to back-door you without so much as a reach-around and to placate we have added a patented VCR Virtual Reality Immersion Experience to the Xbox One so you can play your parent’s old VCR tapes (you should be able to find them at the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused bathroom with a sign on the door saying Beware of Betamax somewhere in your parent’s basement).*****

This new XBOX1dot2 tech comes complete with authentic loud-clunky-mechanical sounds playing in the background during your Dolby Stereo movie soundtrack to assist in the fully patented and immersive experience that is XBOX1dot2. Isn’t that nice of us?

We know your main concern as an astoundingly stupid consumer is how you are going to pay Microsoft and Electronic Arts for being such gracious corporations and allowing you to do continued business with us. That is why Microsoft has made it easier for you and your parents to throw your hard-earned money away on substance that used to come standard with gaming and added a built-in, ULTRA-CONVENIENT coin slot at NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE!!! That’s right folks, you heard correct, Microsoft is eating the cost of implementing this handy-dandy new hi-tech feature.*

And for just $500 more you can have the pleasure of purchasing your very own proprietary Credit Card Reader (comes with one free month of Xbox Live) to make throwing your money away that much more convenient.**

In a rather vain effort to take your needs into account and improve our product for mass consumption, the 1dot2 KINECT now comes with a nice friendly EYE to help make you feel slightly more comfortable while being watched in the privacy of your own home. This feature specifically enhances our new patented VCR Virtual Reality Immersion Experience.***

The XBOX1dot2 will be available as soon as enough XBOX ONEs have suffered the inevitable systematic failure that you have come to expect of a Microsoft product.

* Disclaimer: Additional fees will be charged to your Xbox Live account for the Microsoft employees we will be sending to collect the cash. For an even more immersive experience (at no extra cost to you) these employees will be dressed like those greasy, creepy guys that hung around the Arcades in the 70s and 80s watching kids playing games and handing out candy.****

** Disclaimer: Additional fees from credit card companies and your bank will apply. This has nothing to do with us, this is all about them. We repeat, this is all about THEM.

*** Studies have shown it makes watching your parent’s degraded porn tapes far less creepy.

**** Disclaimer: Candy available at an additional charge.

***** Disclaimer: Microsoft is not responsible for any psychiatric fees you encounter as a result of watching any tapes with your parent’s names scribbled hurriedly on them or titled ‘Summer of 69 Love Fest; the day little (insert your name here) was conceived’ or ‘Super Freaky Deaky Chocolate Love Orgy with Uncle (insert your favorite Uncle’s name here) and Auntie (insert your favorite Aunt’s name here) plus two llamas, several complete strangers & a midget’.******

****** Disclaimer: Microsoft means no offense to Little People–see how we capitalized your politically correct designation there? It’s what you were called back when VCR tapes were the thing to consume and in order to meet the legal requirements of our lawyers (who are currently coked out of their minds and laughing hysterically over the fact we had to write such disclaimers to begin with) we had to make it clear to children what such a tape could be called if their parent’s had stupidly written the tape’s contents on the label. As for the llamas, f*!k what you think, you’re llamas.

~~~

This EXCLUSIVE announcement brought to you by The Dead Console Society. Image made for FREE in GIMP. Humorous material provided graciously by Microsoft.
P.S. TDCS is back, smeggers!

Still can’t connect to EA Servers? Check your D.O.B.

One particular article I wrote gets numerous hits every week. That article is, Can’t connect to EA Servers? SOLVED… maybe.

Today the hits on it are once again skyrocketing. On the one hand it makes me happy that people are visiting my blog. On the other hand it makes me sad that so many gamers out there are having trouble playing their favorite games. So, I decided to do a little research on it because that’s the type of helpful gamer I am.

This post from an EA FIFA 12 forum popped up right away. In it, a couple of the forum users imply that EA told them it is a problem with their date of birth that is recorded on the EA server side.

I spoke to a very helpful person called Jonathon who completely contradicts the current opinion of EA customer service. I said that I thought that there was a problem between my sons gamertag and the server, not with the server itself. Bingo…….. He looked and said yes i can see straight away what it is. His date of birth had been set wrong, pre-1900′s for some resaon, it may have been a way to access a previous game setting it far back. I questioned this as he has always been able to access other Fifas, Jonathon told me that the new fifa, tiger woods and some other game have a verification thing built in with them now which they havent had before. he said he’s changed it for a few people and its worked.

Forgive me for being sceptical, but i politely took the reference number and in my sons absence fired the Xbox up and we’re on, its worked. So give them a call. we had almost given up hope.

Had to share it with you as i know how frustrating it has been in this house…!!!!! ~ SC0 HITM4N

If you’ve been having persistent problems with the new batch of EA games try giving EA customer service a call. And please be nice to them, I know you’re all frustrated but trust me on this, you’ll catch more bees with honey. Be respectful and they will help you out.

I hope this helps some of you.

Another thing you all need to consider is that sometimes it may be your ISP. Other times EA may be doing maintenance. I know they have a BF3 patch/update scheduled for this month so their servers may act a little wonky as they prepare for this.

As always thank you all for visiting and please let us know in the comments if this worked out for you or if you found another solution.

Can’t connect to EA Servers? SOLVED… maybe.

1. Turn off your router for at least five minutes.
2. Reset your 360′s time and date to 11/15/2005, 12:00 AM.
3. Plug your router back in, allow it to reconnect.
4. Sign out of your 360 and sign back in.
5. Pop your game back in and Bob’s your uncle.

I am getting a boat load of hits on this article. I would appreciate it if all you kind folks having issues with the EA servers would take a little time to make a comment below and let me know if this helped and if it didn’t, did you find anything that did help? I was too lazy to do the router, time and date dance last night while playing Tiger Woods 11, but after 15 minutes or so I was able to search for an on-line match.

EDIT 2/2/12: IF you are still having problems, read this. <<<<< click the link!

EA SPORTS. IT’S IN THE GAME (if you can connect to the f—ing servers!)
I picked up a copy of Tiger Woods 2011 for under $20. Frustrated with the fact that I still haven’t opened all of the courses on Tiger Woods 08 I decided not to wait for Christmas morning and opened my new Tiger Woods 2011 as soon as I received it. Actually, I tried to beat Daly and a few other seemingly impossible Tiger 08 Challenges one more time then I opened it. And right after I got through the whole initial set up, you know, where you spend 3 hours making your avatar (and I still can’t settle on a hairstyle,) I began having connection issues.

Remembering that a problem I had downloading the latest New Vegas patch was solved simply by changing my network settings to automatic (I have a static IP and an open NAT on my 360,) I decided to try that last night and my Tiger Woods 2011 was able to connect with no problem. At first I thought this was the ultimate solution to everyone’s ‘unable to connect to EA servers at this time‘ problems. After performing more experiments in preparation for this article I found just adjusting your network settings not to be the ultimate solution.

It’s common knowledge that having an open NAT for your 360 can improve your on-line experience therefore most of you will have set this up already. Changing my network settings back to auto worked for me last night but did not work for me today. Still, if you’re having trouble with your favorite EA Sports title you might want to try it in a pinch. You’ll just have to switch back to the manual setting when you want to play Call of Duty or Halo, games that prefer an open NAT. I do believe I’ve found a solution that works but it’s akin to sacrificing your first born to the EA Server gods… Okay, maybe not, but it is a pain in the arse.

THE SOLUTION

1. Turn off your router (unplug the power supply) for at least five minutes.
2. While your router is off, reset your 360′s time and date to 11/15/2005, 12:00 AM.
3. Plug your router back in, allow it to reconnect.
4. Sign out of your 360 and sign back in. You should be reconnected to the Live service. You could also restart the 360 but simply signing out and back in worked for me every time.

Start your game up and you should have no problems. This worked for me consistently with Tiger Woods 2011, each and every time I received the unable to connect to EA servers message. If you’re having problems with this solution try leaving your router unplugged a little longer. While I can only test this on the EA titles I own I imagine it works with all of the EA sports titles.

The problem recurs the moment I play another title, and for me it’s only happening with Tiger Woods 2011. For example:

• I’m playing Tiger Woods 2011 with no problem, the game sees and communicates with the EA servers.
• I pop in FIFA 12 and can connect to the EA servers with no problem.
• I pop in Tiger Woods 2011 and I’m unable to connect.
• I go back to FIFA 12 and I can connect, no problem.
• Pop in Tiger Woods and I end up having to to do the router/time and date dance to get it working again.

I still can’t get my Fight Night Round 4 to connect to the EA Servers no matter what I do. Not a big issue for me as I never planned on playing that title on-line, but having the option to would be nice, if anyone’s found a solution to this I’d appreciate you telling us about it in the comments.

SOURCE MATERIAL

• How to set up a static IP address on your Xbox 360.
• Link to forum post with EA’s tech support reply explaining the reset your Xbox 360′s time and date setting to 11/15/2005 solution (scroll down to the 6th post.)
• Link to forum post by  ClickClickBoom on how to open your NAT. Covers the 3 ways of doing this. I suggest going with DMZ or Port Forwarding.
• How to set up Port Forwarding on your Xbox 360. First, select your router. Second, click here to skip this advertisement (top right corner of page.) Third, select Xbox Live 360.
• The Unofficial Guide to Xbox Live. Good resource for troubleshooting connections.

Xbox 360: Tip For Buying Used Games

“There are no $60 games, only $60 drink coasters” ~ Me, I said that, ME!

With maybe 1 or 2 exceptions I have never played a game worth $60. I never buy a game when it comes out. I can’t fathom paying $60 to beta test it. It makes sense to give the developer an extra month or 2 to iron out the kinks. If I’m going to pay $60 for a game it better blow my mind more than that stuff I got in Humboldt county when I was 21. So far the only game on the 360 that has done that is Fallout 3.

I buy all my games used but I have a bad habit of buying games and not playing them for months later, sometime years later; long after the return date is valid. Hell, I even have some original Xbox games I have not played or finished! This can be a problem with used games as a subtle scratch can render the disk unplayable. So how do I get around this?

When I first get the game I install it to the hard drive. If it installs then I know the 360 can read the disk from beginning to end with no problem. If it does not the game goes right back to the store for a replacement. Simple, eh?

You can also use this technique to help out a friend with a damaged disk. Let’s say your friend’s copy of GTA IV keeps crashing half way through the game. You can install your copy of the game to his hard drive and your friend can still use his disk for the game verification procedure the 360 performs. The 360 will see the game in the drive and play the game from the hard drive, bypassing the damaged sector(s) of your friends disk.