‘I have a great idea! Let the only kid alive that thinks Krush Groove is a great film direct action flicks‘ ~ The Hollywood exec that hired Jon Chu
I had considered writing this article a while ago when I had the displeasure of watching G.I. Joe: Retribution. I decided against it because there are far more important things going on in the world than some crappy director buggering up a franchise for me. Then I ran into this: Jon M. Chu Drops ‘Masters of the Universe’; New Writer Tackling Script.
Growing up I wasn’t much of a G.I. Joe fan. I ran out and bought the first Marvel issue because it was printed on a better stock of paper and all my friends were convinced it would be worth something one day. As far as the toys went, I preferred Star Wars, and I only ever watched the cartoon because something better was coming on after it. None of these memories quelled the feeling of nostalgia for my youth that pervaded my being when I saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
The reason all the Marvel and D.C. films are successful is because they are grounded in a bit of reality. The directors and writers treat the source material seriously and, for the most part, have chosen to shy away from anything too campy (we’ll just ignore that whole dance scene from Raimi’s Spiderman 3).
And maybe that’s where the first Joe movie fell a bit short, it was stuck somewhere between bad and great. Regardless, I enjoyed the film enough to watch it more than once and even went so far as to buy it from Blockbuster when they had one of those 5 movies for $20 deals going on. It was a great start to a new franchise on the big screen and I looked forward to the sequel.
When all the negative talk about Retaliation hit the net I ignored it, determined in my naivety to think only positive things about the upcoming film. Even after the reports of them having to re-shoot scenes after going into post-production because the director couldn’t make what he had work surfaced, I held steadfast to my belief that there was no way someone could bugger this up after being handed such a sure fire win.
Then I saw the sequel. I was simply dumbfounded. There is no kind way of putting this. There is absolutely nothing good I or anyone can say about Retaliation. It is one of the few movies I’ve rented and did not watch all the way through. $1.50 down the drain. After the severe migraine it caused had dissipated somewhat I got to thinking how, after such a great start, could a franchise slip so far away so quickly?
Retaliation didn’t have anything resembling a plot which is really screwed up because the first movie more than set up the plot for the second movie. In fact, the first movie practically wrote the second movie. Speaking of writing, the script was an abysmal bullet list of constant half-witted one liners that would have been better written by a finite amount of monkeys sharing the same ‘effing typewriter. The acting wasn’t just uninspired, it was pathetic. These guys weren’t even showing up for the film, not any more than the minimum wage worker that pisses in the pickle bucket at McDonalds does at least. The whole experience left me with a twisted sick felling in my gut and the lingering doubt that Chu and the scriptwriters even bothered to watch the first film.
Chu and cohorts showed zero respect to the source material. Zero respect to the audience and fans. And zero respect to the first film. All this left me pondering if it possible there be a worse director than Uwe Boll (who is actually getting better with age despite his penchant for long and drawn out dramatic scenes). And so I did some research on Jon M. Chu… Once again, I was utterly dumbfounded with what I discovered.
Surely a blockbuster like G.I. Joe deserves better than a man whose only claim to fame is directing the modern day equivalent of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. We won’t even bother to mention the Justin Bieber concerts… Okay, we will mention the Bieber concerts. Jon M. Chu’s other claim to fame is he directed Justin Bieber concerts. Seriously, Bieber concerts.
And who is the moron that decided to give Chu another crack at it after such a dismal and pathetic first attempt at directing out of his comfort zone? Has anyone in Hollywood seen G.I. Joe: Retaliation? When a movie sucks as bad as Retaliation only two factors can be blamed. The script and the Director. Mostly, the director. Where can I get a job and be so bad at it they give me a raise and better opportunity? Besides Wall $t CEO and politician, of course. When you bugger something up this bad you should be forced to direct reality TV for the rest of your dismal career, not given the chance to start a brand new franchise like Masters of the Universe.
Who the hell is Jon Chu blowing to keep getting these gigs? Surely Bieber doesn’t have that much pull in Hollywood… Sigh. The more I ponder this the more I realize this whole situation is just one huge Pandora’s box of questions that would only piss me off further if ever I received an honest answer to any of them.
Peter Hartlaub of the San Francisco Chronicle said it best:
The filmmakers appear to have handed a dozen or so G.I. Joe dolls to a 9-year-old, watched him play for 110 minutes, and then shot a scene-for-scene remake.
I blame Channing Tatum, he’s the only link I can find between the idiotic dance flicks of Chu and G.I. Joe. So yeah, ‘EFF YOU, Channing Tatum. Just when I was starting to like you.
This article has sat on the burner for a while now because I wanted to get a good feel for the true state of BF3 these days. I considered not publishing it at all, but I am coming across quite a few new players lately. Given this I am led to believe this article will be of some benefit to the gaming community.
For me, getting to game again with two great friends in the very game responsible for bringing us together pretty much trumps any misgivings I had about jumping back into a dated game. From that perspective alone, it is more than worth it for me. BF3 is a great game that only gets better with friends.
But is it worth it for you? As far as content availability goes there are a few issues you will need to consider if you are thinking about purchasing Battlefield 3 Premium these days.
Personally, I absolutely love this DLC. Take the best multi-player shooter ever made, add the more endearing elements of CoD into it, and it’s a win/win. The games are fast paced, frantic and just plain fun. This DLC is not for the faint of heart or the tool that nurtures their K/D like conservatives nurture the bullshit on Fox News. I just wish I could find more games. The few servers you can find are full most of the time and the rest are empty. This is not much of a problem when you are alone, but if you’re playing with friends it’s going to be hard to get your whole group into the same game and on the same team. You can usually find a Gun Master game to squeeze into, which is a nice change of pace sometimes that may introduce you to your new favorite gun. The biggest problem with Close Quarters is the huge, and I mean HUGE, ticket counts. The games never end, which sucks if you want to try the different CQ maps. Quite frankly, it’s absurd.
I don’t care what the Battlefield purists say, CoD like or not, it’s a laugh. More people need to be playing this. This DLC is worth purchasing for the added guns alone, so if you opt not to buy Premium and see this DLC on sale in the Xbox Live store, go for it!
b33m3R’s funfactor score: 8/10
Chances of finding a game: Good if solo or with one friend. Hard with a squad of 4.
Chances of finding a game on an official server: Slim to none for any mode but Gun Master.
Pros: Well worth it for the extra guns if you can get it on sale.
Cons: Ticket counts are more egregious than Jamie Dimon’s paycheck.
Of all the DLC, this was the one I was most looking forward to… Except that no one was playing it! It was infuriating. For a while I couldn’t fathom why, and one day I found a rented server playing the maps… It took me two games of Conquest to put the pieces together. For a game mode like Conquest the Aftermath maps are a CoD campers paradise. Every bullet that killed me came from some dark corner of some broken down building that was all but impossible to see into even with brightness turned all the way up. This problem was compounded more by the fact that the server I was playing on had the kill cam turned off. Yes, the little shits that rented the server knew exactly what they were doing and how to play these maps.
The Scavenger game mode alleviates the campfest design of the maps quite a bit. In Scavenger players are forced to traverse the maps to find weapons with limited ammo; making camping in a dark corner good for only one measly kill. However, this mode is replete with one great big logistical problem. You need to win 3 rounds of Scavenger in order to unlock the coveted XBOW therefore making Scavenger an utter bitch to win. Why? People are only playing it to unlock the XBOW, and will inevitably leave your team if it is losing half way through the match to join the winning team. At this juncture in the game’s history the servers are never full and having one or two players leave your team half way through the match ensures your loss. Extremely FRUSTRATING!
b33m3R’s funfactor score: 2/10
Chances of finding a game: You’d have better luck finding intelligent life amongst the fans of Duck Dynasty.
Chances of finding a game on an official server: Newt “Family Values” Gingrich has a better chance of staying with his wife after she becomes fatally ill.
Pros: The maps look cool. Rush might be the only viable game mode on these maps, good luck finding one though.
Cons: This has to be the most ill-thought out DLC ever. The maps are specifically designed for campers and Scavenger would be better served if it did not allow players to switch teams… Or they could have made unlocking the XBOW contingent on something other than winning 3 rounds of one of the most frustrating game modes in MPFPS history.
You can find a few people still playing these maps, especially Capture the Flag, and I have to say… Bikes are hella fun! I have not played these maps much, CTF ain’t really my thing. Engineers will be happy to know that Javelins are actually useful now, against bikes. Just know that while riding said bike you will receive no warning at all that a Javelin has locked onto you and will promptly witness yourself being blown into a million tiny pieces.
b33m3R’s funfactor score: 5/10
Chances of finding a game: Fair so long as you want to play capture the flag.
Chances of finding a game on an official server: Slim to good.
Pros: Bikes are really fun (more so when drunk)! CTF is always a solid game mode to play. Javelins are useful now!
Cons: Overall, nothing to write home about. Javelins are useful now!
I’ve never been a big fan of vehicles in Battlefield. I’m not saying they don’t belong in the game, vehicles are part of Battlefield’s charm. I’ve just been stuck on too many teams that get decimated by crack pilots and honestly, IGLA and Javelin/SOLFAM combos are fucking useless against a talented chopper pilot equipped with below radar and stealth. This DLC is good for a laugh but that’s about it. The maps are huge and if you lose your vehicle it will be a long hike to another one. The servers are populated by vehicle gurus so good luck if you are looking for a place to work on your piloting skills; you’ll be cannon fodder for all the level 100s.
b33m3R’s funfactor score: 6/10
Chances of finding a game: Fair.
Chances of finding a game on an official server: Fair.
Pros: Huge maps, more vehicles…
Cons: Huge maps, more vehicles with level 100s piloting them…
Is Battlefield 3 Premium worth it this late in the game?
For $35+, not so much. If you can get it for $25 or less, perfect. The biggest problem I see is the fact that you are largely limited to rented servers with the DLC, all of which have ridiculous ticket counts and/or ridonkulous rules. Mostly, it’s the ticket counts that grind my gears. Even when I do have the time to sit down for a marathon Battlefield 3 session I have no desire to play the same game mode and map for 3 hours.
There are plenty of BF3 classic and Back to Karkand (which I did not review, because it was released with BF3 and to me that’s part of the original game) games to go around, but if you’re looking to play a bunch of Premium DLC you are going to be disappointed. The core game (and B2K) have a solid player base that does not look to be going anywhere anytime soon.
I recommend picking up the basic game, and get Close Quarters (if only for the additional guns), and Back to Karkand when they go on sale. Everything else is a waste of money.
“Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery-celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Goddard said: “It’s not where you take things from – it’s were you take things to.”" ~ Jim Jarmusch (American Director)
Only an arrogant, narcissistic delusional fool would think that after 6,000+ years of humans populating this planet anything he or she thinks or does is completely and utterly original. ~ Me, I said that, not saying I said it first, but I did say it!
Big Brother IS Watching You (7): Imagine Leaders Doing the Right Thing for the Right Reasons for a Change?
Welcome to the last part of my seven part political rant. If you prefer to be kept in the dark, ‘eff off now and turn Hell’s Kitchen back on.
THIS IS ABOUT OUR LEADERS DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR A CHANGE
“Fascism should more properly be called corporatism, since it is the merger of state and corporate power.”
Regardless of where this quote came from, you’d be a fool not to see its relevance to the current state of affairs. I stated before that I’ve been aware of the transgressions of those that have the type of personality that actively seeks out positions of power since my early teens. It’s the writer in me, you see. Writers are intrinsically observant people and the one thing I’ve observed repeatedly throughout my time on this rock is a majority of the people who actively seek power make fucking terrible leaders.
You really think Nathan Deal ran for office to help you? Fuck no, he ran for office to help himself. To make laws that benefit himself and his friends. And I write this at great risk because I do believe if Nathan Deal saw me as a potential threat to his machinations he would not fail to call up that private company his frat buddy works for, the one with the NSA contract, and find out exactly what web-sites I visit; because we all know if Southern Conservatives knew I visited monkeyllamaporn.com they would never buy one of my books.
I’m just not sure if I’d be terribly bothered by that fact, though. I prefer my reading audience to be semi-literate and have more than one functioning brain cell.
Had I thought about this mess too much as a teen I would have put a gun to my head. The situation is rather hopeless when you think about it. And knowing you’re one of the few who realizes it doesn’t elicit many feelings of hope and change in you. But I got through those years by holding onto the belief that it was simply not possible for everyone to be inherently evil and selfish. The belief that someone watching over us would have our best interest at heart and fight the good fight. After all, this is America. We had fairly recently kicked Hitler’s ass. We can’t be all that bad, right?
Obama implied we need to have this discussion and that’s about the only thing I agree with him on these days. Absolute power corrupts absolutely and the technology spurt of the last 50 years has given the Powers That Be too much power. We need to add Amendments to curtail these abuses. It’s what our Founding Fathers would have wanted.
These days I am convinced everyone in power is out for their own good. No leader cares about the middle class, the working class. The people. What keeps me from putting one in the brain pan is my lingering faith in average people which has been reinvigorated by the actions of Manning, Snowden, Jeremy Hammond and the outspoken support of the middle class and disenfranchised by Elizabeth Warren and Russel Brand.
As Arlo Guthrie said:
And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a study in black and white of my fingerprints.
And the only reason I’m singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a situation like that there’s only one thing you can do and that’s walk into the shrink wherever you are, just walk in and say “Shrink, you can get anything you want, at Alice’s restaurant.”
And walk out.
You know, if one person, just one person does it they may think he’s really sick and they won’t take him.
And if two people, two people do it, in harmony, they may think they’re both faggots and they won’t take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in singin a bar of Alice’s Restaurant and walking out.
They may think it’s an Organization.
And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day, I said Fifty people a day walking in singin’ a bar of Alice’s Restaurant and walking out.
And friends, they may thinks it’s a movement.
Wake up sheep. Wake up.
Welcome to part six of my seven part political rant. If you prefer to be kept in the dark, ‘eff off now and turn Survivor back on.
It’s not that we can’t handle the truth. It’s that the Powers That Be can’t handle us doing something about the truth.
A friend of mine had to go through a rather severe background check to work for a company here in Atlanta. Not a very big company. They checked her credit history. Why do they need to know that? How is that any of their business? She wasn’t applying for comptroller or CFO, just simple administration. Secretarial. My friend got that job, and after about six months she was given the task to cover for the CEO’s assistant. While doing her job she came across a credit report on the CEO. Turns out he had 7 bankruptcies. Seven.
Now my question to you is, what right does he have to judge a person by their credit report?
Yeah, that whole conservative go to argument of if you’ve got nothing to hide applies to everyone, Sparky. Everyone.
The government, the corporations and the police can watch me all they want, even when I’m taking a shit. BUT, I get to watch them too. No more secrets. No more backroom deals. Cops with cameras on 24/7 that the public has access to. Cameras in the Oval Office and in every single politician’s office. Every corporation’s books are fully open to the public for scrutiny. Everyone’s tax records are available for public viewing. It’s the only way to make people honest.
I have no problem with a business deal so long as all the parties involved know exactly what’s on the table. I’ve also lived long enough to know that most business people are sneaky bastards and generally full of shit. From managers cutting your hard earned pay raise in half because the corporation gives them the extra money they “save”, to corporations that boast “record losses” on spreadsheets that aren’t worth the toilet paper they are printed on, to smaller companies “loosing” merchandise to “employee theft” while simultaneously increasing the wad of cash in the business owner’s pocket. Yeah, I’ve seen it all and I am jaded.
This is the part were all you “honest” business people out there play the victim card and cry about being demonized by the plebeian masses. Cry me a river then fire your marketing team. Stop living your lives like Patrick Bateman if you don’t want to be demonized .
I believe that this somewhat anarchist notion of absolute transparency could work. We’d have to get rid of all the silly laws first. Jaywalking. Cussing in cemeteries. We’d have to legalize drugs and people will have get over the fact that other people watch porn and masturbate. That some people like to be spanked and made squeal while having rough sex. Because lets face it, the only reason most of us have reservations about people knowing all about us is because of what those people might think of us. Which is odd, because you all blather on about not really giving a fuck what people think about you anyway.
If we eradicate all these inconsequential social taboos then the only things left we would want to hide are the real crimes against humanity. You know? Kiddy-fiddling, murder, conservative stupidity, and twerking. Then that whole if you’ve got nothing to hide axiom would aptly apply.
Of course, eradicating these fears would break down the very fabric religions use to keep us subservient. Again, not a bad thing.
A society should not have this many secrets. A society that proudly talks about freedom and liberty to the point of nausea, doubly so. Secrets serve only one purpose. To keep people in the dark. It’s not that we can’t handle the truth. It’s that the Powers That Be can’t handle us doing something about the truth. Something is quintessentially wrong when your government is classifying over 92 million documents a year.
So get rid of all the social stigmas society uses to turn people against one another. So what if your Uncle Red-Neck watches big-black-booty porn and masturbates onto a Confederate flag, or your brother is into mature women, or your neighbor went to a meeting of the Communist party of Cincinnati when he was 18. That Mike and Sally in apartment 5B like to swing and Henry in 6A is into S&M and attends the Anarchy Society of America’s meeting once a month.
Notice how most of our social stigmas revolve around sexual activity? Besides religion and country music, that is. When it boils right down to it, none of these things are a crime (except maybe country music). If whatever someone is doing in life is not harming anyone else then what’s the problem? Your sensibilities are offended?
Fuck your sensibilities.
WE DO IT TO PROTECT YOU
These actions have stopped god knows how many terrorist attacks except for Boston…
The NSA spying also completely failed to stop an American born nutter from walking into Sandy Hook Elementary with an arsenal that made Ted Nugent cry in admiration as well as the more recent Navy Yard massacre by a man who was vetted by a PRIVATE CORPORATION and given the okay to do the job despite a stunningly clear history of being bat-shit-fucking-crazy.
Not to mention the scores of crimes across the country happening to all the little people out there who aren’t important enough for the national front page or don’t meet the current faux meme requirements.
Seriously people, are you really that stupid?
Living in USA you have a greater chance of getting hit and killed by a double-decker bus while blasting Morrissey from an 80s ghetto-blaster than you do of perishing in a terrorist attack. You all need to start dealing with the facts regarding 9/11.
- Fact: Bush was warned about Bin Laden by the Clinton administration and it was suggested they make Bin Laden a priority. The Bush Administration did not. They also ignored repeated warnings by the CIA that an attack was imminent.
- Fact: The FBI, CIA and any other pertinent agency at the time had all the resources and information they needed to zero-in on the group of hijackers. They were simply too stupid and ruled by their egos to drop their juvenile collegiate competitive bullshit long enough to actually get the job done.
- Bush and Cheney had every incentive to let 9/11 happen. Cheney made a lot of money off the Iraq war. Find out what puts food on a man’s table and you find out what really motivates his decision making. Cheney deals in war. Bush Jr.? He had a score to settle for his family.
- Fact: Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is what controls us and the Powers That Be have learned to use it quite masterfully. Bush used his brother Jeb and the conservative leaning Supreme Court to rig his first election. No way would he have won the second one without divine intervention. I’d say he got it.
- Fact: The Mujahideen was partly funded and assisted by the CIA because we needed to fight those terrible Communists in Afghanistan because those Russians are evil and spy on their own people. Now that’s historical irony for you. The Mujaheddin would give birth and raison d’être to Osama Bin Laden…
I’m not suggesting the USA had Navy SEALS fly those planes into the Towers or that they somehow planted explosives to create a “controlled explosion”. That’s nonsense. I am suggesting that the government at the time, or elements in it—say private corporations that do business with the military—knew a lot more about the attacks than we are being told or their warped sense of “personal responsibility” will allow these cretins to admit. And that these entities conspired to make lemonade out of lemons instead of just buying oranges instead.
The government has presented ZERO evidence that any attacks have been thwarted by mass surveillance of American citizens. The current idiocy being presented by pundits is along the lines of “well, we haven’t been attacked since 9/11, so it must be working.”
Following that line of asinine logic… Muslim terrorists hadn’t attacked before WW2 so it must be because of the NSA as well…
If it were even remotely true they’d be all in our faces with the I told you so’s. What was that? They can’t show us because they’d be giving away surveillance secrets? You mean the very same surveillance secrets we already know about? The secrets that aren’t really secrets anymore because… well, we fucking know about them. Idiot!
You’d have to be a very special kind of stupid to earnestly believe that the terrorists didn’t know about the spying before we (the American public) did.
Are you all earnestly willing to give up your freedom on a remote possibility of perishing in some random bombing? Why stop there? Lets stop production of Double Deckers, throw Morrissey in jail, ban The Smiths on iTunes and have people turn in their ghetto-blasters for food stamps, or guns (if you live down south).
Fear is the mind killer.
“It’s what people know about themselves inside that makes ‘em afraid.” ~ High Plains Drifter
Tomorrow we’ll discuss secrets, lies and possible solutions to this madness.
WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?
The other day some tool on Huffington Post presented me with the argument that the only reason I would be against mass wiretapping of American citizens is because I have something to hide.
His screen name on Huff Post is ‘idancewithdumbasses‘, while mine is AJ Beamish. You do the math.
Who is idancewithdumbasses afraid of? Why doesn’t he have the courage to run around the internet trolling with his real name? Is he afraid of the government? No.
He’s afraid of people just like himself. People without scruples. The same people that get jobs with private companies that end up getting government contracts. The same people that get elected in Texas and Florida. The same people who cheat the system every day on Wall $t. The very same people our American trademarked brand of predatory capitalism has indoctrinated you into believing you are in perpetual competition with.
I believe I’ve succinctly made my point.
WHAT ARE MANNING’S/SNOWDEN’S MOTIVES?
Honestly, who the fuck cares? As Americans, I’m sure we all had the vague notion that after 9/11 some of us may have unwittingly crossed paths with nefarious characters that would give the FBI cause to have a brief perusal of our backgrounds. Shit happens. Your mother’s, brother’s, cousin’s, baby-daddy’s, nephew blows up an abortion clinic a year after you had a drink with him at your cousin’s wedding… Hell, it could be possible you had something to do with it. I get that that. All things considered, it falls under reasonable search for me.
My question to you, Dear Reader, is did you know the extent to which the NSA and PRIVATE CONTRACTORS are spying on us?
Did you know they are marking down every time you called your mother, your grandmother, your doctor, your employer, your friends. Did you know they were recording every post you made on Facebook and Google+ even though those posts were designated private by you and only sent out to the people on your friends list? Did you know they were keeping a running record of every website everyone in your household visited since 9/11?
Again, before Snowden, did you truly understand the scope of what is going down in what is supposed to be a country of the people, by the people and for the people?
It doesn’t matter what Snowden’s motives were. He’s a libertarian and probably listens to Glenn Beck far too much. I can’t stand libertarians. Fucking hate them. But that does not detract from the significance of his revelations. Whatever his political beliefs, he did exactly what I would have done in his situation. He saw something wrong and reported it. And for that he has my utmost respect. If it was me, I might have stayed in the country to take my licks, but I’m pretty sure I would have ended up dead in a cold dark dank cell of some privatized prison. Yay, capitalism!
Maybe Snowden’s libertarian foolishness told him he could topple this “socialist-commie-regime”. Maybe Snowden thought he could profit off it a little. Hell, even a revolutionary has to eat. In the grand scheme of things, none of that matters.
Manning is another one that saw something wrong and did something about it. He didn’t know what he was releasing, you say because Limbaugh told you to. Yeah, well, you try nit-picking which secret documents to swap to your jump-drive while everyone around you is looking over your shoulder and willing to shoot you in the back for the glory of the Military Industrial Complex.
Those of you out there trying to tie Manning’s and Snowden’s motives to some sort of sado-masochistic self-promotion and/or personal enrichment are grasping at straws. There’s a forest in them trees, you know?
Tomorrow we’ll discuss your “safety.”